I have an answer to a question that a few people agree with and a few disagreed with (normal). However, someone deleted the answer I believe overzealously. After rereading the answer, I agreed with the comment that it needed to answer her question more directly instead of saying one of her statements is wrong, so I have since edited the answer to reflect that.

However, I can not put the answer up for a undelete vote. What should I do?

It seems that instead of deleting right away, the person should have suggested an edit or left a comment first to improve the answer. Am I wrong?

Answer in question: https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8456/2921

  • 1
    It was heavily downvoted for a good while before it was deleted. Why did you wait till it was deleted to edit?
    – apaul
    Jan 9 '18 at 19:32
  • It was deleted by a moderator, so it would take a moderator to undelete it as well. Else, either yourself, or three high rep users can undelete it.
    – NVZ
    Jan 9 '18 at 20:27
  • @apaul Obviously, the term "heavily" has a different subjective meaning to you than other people. The spread was not large. I had no reason/notification to even look at it until the comment saying it was being deleted. Had the person suggested an edit via edit or comment, I also would've seen a notification and gone back to edit it.
    – user2921
    Jan 9 '18 at 21:49

I'm the moderator who deleted your answer. Let me first include the original form, in its entirety:

He's not going to stop liking it, and refusing to do it inside a marriage is selfish - marriage is about making the other person happy. I'm sure you can think of things that he does for you that he'd rather not do. You not desiring it is NOT selfish, though.

My suggestion is to work WITH him to make it more likable or at least tolerable for you, whether it's doing certain hygiene tasks before-hand (trimming, washing, etc), using a condom, saran wrap, or other tools, or even trading favors for something he may not always enjoy but you like.

As suggested in @RoijanEskor 's answer, make sure to let him know that this has nothing to do with how you view him as a husband, simply your preferences.

The question asked is "How do I communicate to my husband that I don't like oral sex?" Your response is essentially that while the OP's feelings aren't selfish, refusing to obey her husband's wishes would be selfish, and she should therefore squash her own feelings and bend to someone else's wishes.

There may be certain circumstances under which saying "Don't do it" is a valid answer. Telling someone to continue in a sexual activity they are clearly uncomfortable with is not one of them. Heck, the question specifically says that she hates doing it. The answer does not say a word about communication - the second paragraph talks about actions, not words - which is what the question's about, after all.

You've since revised the answer. Here are my thoughts:

  • While you encourage the OP to voice her feelings - something she's already committed to anyway; that's the point of the question - you still tell her to keep giving her husband oral sex.
  • The focus of your suggestion is to modify the action so it is less unpleasant for the OP, which is still not what she's talking about.

As of this time, I'm not inclined to undelete it, but I'm interested in what other people think.

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