Edit 2

Now it's closed again for "unclear what you're asking". This is very strange five people who reopened thought it's clear enough and I received explicit mild compliments from some people:

we have an answerable one - OldPadawan

regardless, I think it is a decent question - Beofett

I really don't understand why people use their close and reopen votes the way they do, I don't understand why my question was singled out,(nobody have yet to respond to that) I can't make any sense of what happens on this site.

This is a very strange experience, I'm used to other StackExchange sites. The rules are very clear, they're meticulously and uniformly enforced. If Interpersonal Skills is different from all the other sites and has different standards perhaps you should add a disclaimer? Or maybe it has no place on StackExchange?


The question was reopened; thanks to the people who voted on that. However this is no longer just a question about the actual interpersonal problem I have, it includes the solution given by another user to solve my actual problem by establishing more boundaries(not something I thought about, it was not possible for me to ask the question as it is now without a partial answer in comments from that user) and I'm going to miss out possible interpersonal solution that are not about boundaries.

It might be a better more answerable question but all the other askers in the questions I linked to (from this week this is not some leftover from the early days of this site) were allowed to ask about their actual problems and received help with them I don't understand why I was singled out and prevented from doing so. My goal is not to ask the best possible question but the question about my interpersonal problem.

I asked What to tell my parents when going on a mongering trip? It's about a specific interpersonal problem I have.

The first complaint I got was that it's "asking us to tell you what to say" (it was about the original version) it can also be said about the following questions:
How can I tell my mom to not cause herself so much stress when I'm visiting?
How to explain our frustration over a trip being rescheduled without us?
How do I encourage my family to talk more and watch tv less when I'm visiting?
How do I tell my parents I don't enjoy their company?
How to create a mindset which promotes fluid and spontaneous talk
And yet they are not closed, highly upvoted and all I needed to do to find them was look at the "related" questions to my question.

Looking at the relevant quote from the on-topic page

ask us to rewrite text or otherwise tell you what to say. We are not an editing service. Questions should focus on how to generally write or decide what to say so that you can tailor them to your situation.

I think my question falls under "generally write or decide what to say" and it doesn't even apply you can think otherwise and being the judge and jury only your interpretation matters.

After I edited my question it became about "How to deal with this specific interpersonal situation"? And then another user started telling me that the question must be about some specific skill I want help with

what skill are you looking for help with?

Well now... this are the top 6 questions this week:
How do I deal with people trying to convince me to wear makeup?
How can I avoid the awkwardness of a returning player who wears a low-cut shirt?
I have a crush on a coworker but won't act on it, how can I tell my boyfriend about it and that I'll remain faithful?
How do I answer a question about not enjoying a party without revealing sensitive information
Maintaining honesty while being comforting in response to insecurity about relationship?
How do I tell someone I recently met that I am in a relationship?

All of them are about how to deal with an interpersonal situation the same as my question was at that point. They are highly upvoted and not closed.

I later edited the question and made it about boundaries as that second user wanted and asked to reopen so far it's still closed and in any case at this point this is hardly the question I wanted to ask.

I saw the other questions here before I asked mine and I was sure that it was on-topic based on being similar to popular and opened questions here, why only mine was closed?

I don't want to accuse anybody of anything but I can't help but feel discriminated based on what my question was about and/or because of me being a new user.

  • You mention here and in your (original) question and comments that people should not judge you about your planned paid sex trips. And you feel discriminated. This sounds very much like YOU think what you do is bad (probably that is what you learned from your parents, friends, etc.). I think if you wouldn't think what you do is bad then you wouldn't have a problem telling other people what you do. But then this is about your intrapersonal skill and not about interpersonal skills.
    – user8838
    Apr 9, 2018 at 0:41
  • 2
    @Edgar No, not at all. I think it's good and enjoy it a lot. I don't have a problem telling my friends, we talk about it. I don't want to tell my parents because they will think it's very bad. I was expecting people here to have a problem with it but perhaps I was wrong. I feel discriminated because only my question was criticized and closed all the other questions that look similar to me were not.
    – snart
    Apr 9, 2018 at 0:50

3 Answers 3


I've voted to reopen, but that is largely based upon your last edit.

In the original format, your question seemed to be very restricted as to what types of answers would address your problem. Telling your parents the truth was not acceptable. Telling them a lie was something you wanted to avoid. But the focus was on the specific context of your upcoming trip(s). The question seemed to be set up where a specific script of dialog was what you were looking for, rather than focusing on the specific interpersonal skills.

With the edit asking for help establishing boundaries with your parents, so that entire conversations can be avoided, strikes me as a much better question. Note that you may still receive frame-challenging answers that suggest that this may not be possible, or may not be the best approach, but regardless, I think it is a decent question.


I answered the OPs question and the OP confirmed in a comment above (now deleted)

https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12982/16460 "answers my original question but not the current one"

How should this site work if questions are changed so much that the answer to the original question does not answer the edited question anymore? But the OP only changed the original question because it was closed (and then reopened).

I think if the question is so much changed that an answer does not fit anymore then it is obviously a new question which requires a new answer. So IMHO the old question should not be changed (and maybe deleted) and a new question should be opened.

I think it's crazy that someone who answered should correct or delete the answer because the question changed completely.

Now my answer to the original question, which answers what the OP wanted to know, was deleted (I think by users). But at least the OP confirmed that it answered his question. Is that not the whole point here to give the OP an answer which he likes?

  • 5
    Questions get closed, so they can be edited into new ones. You can't write an answer after reopening that answers the original question, because that's exactly the reason questions are closed (so they can be edited into better ones and can get answers to that)
    – Tinkeringbell Mod
    Apr 9, 2018 at 7:32
  • 1
    You might find this meta interesting, if this is also about your first answer there: interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/q/1789/1599. Basically, closing questions sooner will solve the problem
    – Tinkeringbell Mod
    Apr 9, 2018 at 7:44
  • 6
    adding to @Tinkeringbell comment, it's really important that folks here, all of us, carefully read and think before answering. Is the Q on-topic? Will it stay open? Do we need more information to clarify? and so on... Too often, I read a post, I think about it for a couple of minutes, and while I write (or am about to write) a comment, I see one or two answers. Are they OK? hm... Then, we see DV, CV, and arguing in comments arises...
    – OldPadawan
    Apr 9, 2018 at 8:01
  • @OldPadawan: Yesterday I thought there is no answer to snart's original question. But then, many hours later, an answer came to my mind and it seems like he liked that answer (see comments). So in this case it seems he was more or less forced to change his question because people thought there is no answer. But now it seems there is a valid answer to his original question.
    – user8838
    Apr 9, 2018 at 9:23
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    @Edgar : Yesterday I thought there is no answer to snart's original question -> didn't you answer it anyway? (now deleted, but attracted many DV?). To me, before many many comments asking for clarification and many many edits, the Q wasn't answerable. At all. And your second answer was only half-one, OP said it didn't help for the main point: "Germany". That's why we work (fight?) hard, here on IPS, to prevent things like that. Nothing personal, just what I think is a fact, and a mistake made by many many users...
    – OldPadawan
    Apr 9, 2018 at 9:48
  • @OldPadawan: I understand your point. I guess the problem is that with lots of (not obvious) rules IPS is difficult to use and only suitable for "few" questions. Without many rules (or people ignoring or not knowing rules) it is easy to use - but not really "correct". I wonder if maybe it would be easier to relax the (enforcement) of the rules for more variety - even if it does not really fit the strict concept.
    – user8838
    Apr 9, 2018 at 10:59
  • 3
    @Edgar : if maybe it would be easier to relax the (enforcement) of the rules for more variety -> I sure don't think so :)) See TWP or M&TV for instance. Here, I believe that IPS can have variety, still, it has to be "on IPS tracks", and not zigzag over abstract concepts or too broad material.
    – OldPadawan
    Apr 9, 2018 at 11:07
  • @OldPadawan: If you tell me what TWP or M&TV I might take a look... And yes, I mentioned "maybe" for a reason because I know you and other people use this site a lot longer than me and have a lot more experience. But it can be a little frustrating for a "beginner".
    – user8838
    Apr 9, 2018 at 11:19
  • 3
    @Edgar : TheWorkplace / Movies & TV (2 other stacks). The latter stopped answering Q about identiying movies, for instance, and rules are enforced, as are the ones at TWP, and other stacks I know of... I agree when you say a little frustrating for a newcomer, but hey, we try hard to explain and help :)
    – OldPadawan
    Apr 9, 2018 at 11:22
  • FWIW: I really don't know if I'm more right or wrong on this one (Q you talk about), still, I wrote an answer. Not that I wanted to do that, but it's an experience. Let's see how it goes... :))
    – OldPadawan
    Apr 9, 2018 at 12:41

I just voted to delete the question.

I voted to delete the question because a heterosexual male from a "western country" wants to somehow not talk to the parents he lives with about his sex-tourism plans, and for the most part, no one bats an eye. When most anyone from any other group other than 'hetero-male from western country' wants to talk about being treated with basic common decency, people loose their minds.

I tried really hard to stretch and let this crap slide, but they had to go and include "Ladyboys" and even rolled back an edit removing the term, and no one batted an eye.

I raised a rude/abusive flag and no one batted an eye. Perhaps the term "Ladyboy" may fly in some of the sex tourism destinations of choice, but does it fly in the places that the customers are flying from?

It's worth noting that the rude/abusive flag aged away. Apparently it wasn't worth any of our moderators' time. They apparently couldn't be bothered to decline, explain, or act upon. Perhaps they were biding their time, waiting for an opportunity to be seen as an "impartial third party".

Granted, I'm about as sex positive as they come. I honestly support legal prostitution, but on the other hand, I support legal prostitution only because illegal prostitution is ever so slightly worse for the prostitutes.

But here's the salt in the wound:

"Black guy doesn't want to talk to white people about race?!? How dare he! I'll have to write a strongly worded letter!!!"

While on the other hand, those same people were completely fine with this horseshit. Nobody wanted to edit to soften language here. There weren't a dozen users trying to make this fit the "Be Nice Policy"

Just sayin, all the rules lawyers were conviently off that day? Hmm... I wonder why?

People want to act like they're "open minded" when they're conviently unoffended. That convenient lack of offense in some cases and not others, that there's prejudice.

  • 1
    That question was closed twice and has 9 revisions, with the current one being distinctly different from what OP first posted. I think it just has less visibility (fewer views) then the other, tbh.
    – Magisch
    Apr 16, 2018 at 9:34

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