As there's no real question here, but only some POV, pros and cons points, I'll just address some of these points, hopefully to challenge your claims.
But I also had lots of comments and answers deleted. Mostly not because they were rude but because it seems I did not follow this rule or that rule or this and that guideline...
Yes. This stack has Guidelines. Rules. Policies.
The Community makes these. The Community makes sure they're followed. The Community enforces them. With the help of moderators, of flags, of DV / VTC / VTD.
Roughly, the Community says to all of us:
Behave. Be Nice. Follow the rules. It's OUR way, or the highway...
There's no NAME CALLING here. Please. Period.
For any problem with someone, get in touch with SE staff. Privately.
I also wrote answers [ ... ] and then the question was changed considerably and then I was asked to change my answer to match the changing question. No, I won't do that.
Yes. This stack has Guidelines. Rules. Policies. Did I already mentioned that? Maybe...
Anyway... This happens (again?) because people answer unclear questions. Too fast. We have a new feature on Main (formely called "comments") named suggest improvement. We should be using this more and more to ask for clarification, and suggest improvement. When it's done, answer. Otherwise, we end up dealing with the kind of situation that pisses you (but not only) off...
And then there is “be nice”. Yes, I agree we should be nice to each other. But it seems for some people stating clear facts is already not nice and can't be allowed. What is wrong with telling the truth without putting a nice warm fluffy cover around it?
It is not wrong if it answers OP I guess?...
Going back to your answer, the one that got deleted by community request, and not by a moderator's selfish decision, here's my 2 cents:
You offered an alternative solution, a complete U-turn, by ignoring the without confrontation part of the question. OK. Why not. But, IMO, by going that far in such a direct way, you forgot.. wait... This stack has Guidelines. Rules. Policies. Did I already mentioned that?
To be clear: I'm not telling you that your answer is bad. AT ALL.
What I think is that, when answering and offering another POV, we should frame this challenge into a ladder challenge™. What is a ladder challenge™? When the elder shows the Moon, the younger looks at the finger. So, my advice is: show them the steps.
-> How to establish boundaries with a roommate without confrontation?
- you can be nice, and do X
- you can be nice, and do Y
- you can be a little less nice, and do Z
- Because 1, 2 and 3 don't work, what about not being nice at all and do A / B / C ?
And explain each point. Back up your assertions with reasons and data. Enjoy the challenge of converting concern to conviction.
(only a guess here) What made some of the people here flag your answer was the fact that you went straight to point #4 without showing any step?
No matter what you choose, I'd like you say something that seems important to me:
This stack has Guidelines. Rules. Policies. Did I already mentioned that? If not, I should have done it before... :)
EDIT - I have looked through all posts and comments about this Q/A. I truly believe that you went the wrong way, not that you were explicitely giving the wrong answer. To me (and seems like many within the Community), you gave your POV, but didn't answer the OP. In order to have your POV seen as the best solution, it has to -> explain why the requested approach isn't good and offer a new IPS solution with reasonable explanation as to why it's better (SpaGirl).
OP - So far, I haven’t raised this issue with her, but I am wondering what the best way is to make it clear that the way she currently behaves with her guests in our room often makes me uncomfortable.
You - I think you should be confrontational if someone else sleeps in your bed without your permission. And you should be confrontational if people blatantly ignore you. Stop being nice! Tell them to behave.
My understanding - I want to be nice... NO! This behavior deserves a nuclear war, and here's the red button, push it!
from comments (emphasis mine)
Given the roommate apparently was never made aware of any problem before, this sounds like a sure way to escalate to a level where OP and the roommate may not be able to continue together. OP specifically asked for a non-confrontational approach and as such this answer seems borderline off-topic. You are also not giving any backup to why you think this approach would work. Could you improve your answer to show that? – Daniel Mar 29 at 9:26
By telling the OP not to avoid confrontation, you're challenging the frame of their question. A frame-challenge answer should explain why the requested approach isn't good and offer a new IPS solution with reasonable explanation as to why it's better. Could you add those explanations/references to your answer, as per the meta aims? – Spagirl Mar 29 at 10:11
@Edgar: I genuinely think that, without further knowledge about the whole of the situation, your approach bears the potential to screw up the OP´s entire living arrangements. As such I find it is not very well balanced so this is just a suggestion for improvment. – Daniel Mar 29 at 12:47
@Edgar Because IPS.SE is about Interpersonal Skills and seeks well sourced and supported answers, those are the parameters the community has set. Backed-up answers are better answers. By explaining why and how, as well as what, the recommended approach is, you better equip readers to know when and why they might use it. Answers should help people develop their own skills rather than just give an opinion. It’s that whole teach a man to fish thing, but this answer just throws the OP a sprat. – Spagirl Mar 29 at 12:49
When challenging the fact that OP doesn't want to be confrontational, please offer some justification for advising that. There is absolutely nowhere mentioned that the roommate is unreasonable or doesn't care, so please address the first steps and don't assume this. – Tinkeringbell♦