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I made a comment on this question:
My mom is being "nice". But it's unwanted. How do I get her to stop?

I had some advice and started writing an answer, but after starting to write it out I realised I couldn't answer in a solid way without getting more info from the asker. There was already a comment from another user requesting more information so I deleted my draft answer and instead just put the friendly advice in a comment.

I understand that we shouldn't answer in comments, but as I just said, it wasn't really an answer at this point as we needed more info to make a decent answer. But even though it was just a tiny bit of suggested advice, it was a suggestion based on the question, so I think it was worthy of offering it, albeit in a comment.

My comment was deleted within minutes. Why is this please?

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    and of course I get downvoted. I had a bad first experience, unsure because the rules are not clear, I come here to ask why, and get more sour welcoming with a downvote (I know how votes work on meta! that doesn't make it ok). Only regulars know how your comment requirements works, and for whatever reason are reluctant to share it with everyone until someone asks and then they are pointed to information hidden in meta questions. Honestly, this is a terrible welcoming to the site :( – James Jun 23 '18 at 10:59
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    It's hard for us to even know such a thing is needed without someone telling us, "hey, this is confusing, can we change it?" and then having a discussion about how to achieve it. We need a meta discussion to start the change. I can't unilaterally do something and I may not know how to write it so that it's clear. We aren't refusing to do anything... we just need to know what to do. If you're unwilling to make that first move... ok. But please don't complain that we're not listening. – Catija Jun 23 '18 at 11:57
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    You say that stuff is hidden in meta questions but your comments about us not making it clear are hidden in meta comments. That's even worse. Help us be better! – Catija Jun 23 '18 at 11:58
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    @Catija You state that "comments are very different on this site". Given you recognise that, is it not already common knowledge that there is a massive difference and so people are likely to not know this when coming to this site? I'm not "unwilling" to make a new post about it, I'm "very reluctant" as I've already seen other questions and answers that show the regular community here are happy with the way the comments are setup and the amount of information about it. All I'll end up doing is raising points that others have already raised and be downvoted. – James Jun 23 '18 at 14:39
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    There's a big difference between knowing it's different and knowing that it needs to be specifically addressed somehow... and how to do that. I would think it'd be a big hint so someone (particularly someone so aware of the network) that things are different here since the words "add a comment" are completely missing from the main site... but that doesn't seem to work in your case... so we need to know that and know how to address it. We can't fix a problem we don't know exists. – Catija Jun 23 '18 at 15:31
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    @James: Voting is a bit wired on meta. Normally people should only down-vote feature-requests they don´t support with or low-quality questions. Yet, still a lot seem to down vote if they disagree with your premise (instead of posting / up-voting a disagreeing answer) This does not affect reputation, so don´t think too much of it. – user6109 Jun 25 '18 at 9:54
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I deleted your comment because it was an answer as far as this site is concerned. We don't have "comments" here. The "add a comment" text on the main site specifically was changed to read "suggest improvements".

Your comment was not a suggestion for improvement. I happened to see it when it was posted and removed it.

The text of it was:

You could suggest going shopping together and let you choose something for yourself. Just be tactful as her actions come from good intentions. I know that doesn't make it ok, but look at mothers in human and animals the world over, it's about protection, ensuring you're safe and happy. That often wont stop even when you get older. It's not a sign that they think know best or that you can't manage without her, it's more about the very nature of motherly love - they strive to make you happy in an entirely selfless way (not all of them, or always, of course, just generally)

Using comments for "friendly advice" is not an acceptable use of comments on this site.

If you want to write an answer, please do but please don't use comments for answers or half answers.

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  • Thanks for replying. Where is it defined that this site has it's own rules about how comments work? I've spent some time on various sites (16K on MSO etc) and never come across such a rule on Stack Exchange. I'm not necessarily saying it's not right here, but wouldn't it be useful to make this clear, perhaps in the help centre? It's is very acceptable on other sites to leave useful advice in comments. Sorry if I missed this info. – James Jun 22 '18 at 23:37
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    A good percentage of the questions on this meta are about comments. We're harsh on them because we get so many and if we didn't delete them, we'd be overrun with them. There isn't a section of the help center that applies to comments that can be edited by the moderators. Please understand, we consider what you wrote to be an "answer", not "advice"... a meta post about comment answers is here: interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/1644/… – Catija Jun 22 '18 at 23:42
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    It's also worth pointing out that other sites, particularly meta sites, often have very loose grips on comments and are very free with them... but if you actually read the comment everywhere privilege information, it's very clear what comments are used for. If anything, we're using them more correctly than other sites. Explaining that in a help center post seems odd to me. – Catija Jun 22 '18 at 23:47
  • I understand why a site may do this, and am accepting that this site does, but my point was as a new comer to this site I had no idea that the comments are so different to the rest of the Stack Exchange network. You even confirmed that it's not outlined in the help centre, which is where such differences should be. I have no foreknowledge of the difference of comments here so wouldn't think to come to meta to read about it. – James Jun 22 '18 at 23:49
  • Quoting the link you just posted which is about comments on this site: "When should I comment? - Add relevant but minor or transient information to a post (e.g. a link to a related question, or an alert to the author that the question has been updated)." – James Jun 22 '18 at 23:50
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    Your "answer" does not serve that purpose. You're not adding detail to the post, you're responding to it. – Catija Jun 22 '18 at 23:51
  • Can you stop calling my "comment" an answer please? If it was an answer it wouldn't be in the comment section. The comment page also states (I already quoted) "a link to a related question" is that not "responding" - providing potential answers and relevant information via another question? A link to another question surely cannot be "suggested improvements"? I'm not arguing your use of comments is wrong btw, I'm just entirely confused by them as a newcomer to this site but not Stack Exchange. – James Jun 22 '18 at 23:59
  • Also, "suggested improvements" is not "request for information". If you want to be that specific with your use of comments here, given nearly all other sites (not just Meta BTW) allow information to reside in comments, then you really need to make this clear on entry to the site. – James Jun 22 '18 at 23:59
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    All of that is a separate discussion and belongs in its own meta post, not in the comments on another post. Feel free to write something up. I'm not quite sure why one deleted comment answer is so problematic to you, though. You call it "arguably useful" yourself. There's been no punishment for your comment, no moderator contact... just a deleted comment. It's OK. You know the rules now... have fun. – Catija Jun 23 '18 at 0:00
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    I'm the same as James I think? I too posted in reply to "My mom is being nice..." – Robyn Simpson Jun 23 '18 at 9:19
  • @RobynSimpson and you have a downvote (not me) because it's not a sufficient answer - where this would have been a good comment on (almost) any other Stack Exchange site. I guess the OP will never get to see my arguably useful information, and so the site remains less useful as it could be as a result. I might write a post about it actually, if I get time – James Jun 23 '18 at 9:47
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    @James yes, I might post a reply to asohe001 (another answerer) as well. James, you and I seem to be in a similar boat, our advice to "My mom is being nice" seems like we are on a similar page. – Robyn Simpson Jun 23 '18 at 13:27
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    I have a feeling IPS is not welcoming enough ... – user16261 Jul 13 '18 at 9:50
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I wanted to leave a comment, but realized it would be too long, so I'm posting it as an answer...

This is not the first post about comment deletion here (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and more...) and I'm sure it won't be the last...

I understand that it's difficult to become acclimated to different site cultures (especially since it looks like your highest rep account is on a meta site where comments act vastly different). However, I agree that we may not be making it abundantly clear to newcomers how we operate.

I've been here through this change, so I don't have the perspective you do as someone coming into the site post-comment policy. I think that your view could be very valuable if you'd like to write a post on how we could change how we notify newcomers of the way we run things!

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  • Thanks for not just re-repeating the rules over and over and seeing a new perspective. Whether my viewpoint is rare or not, it's nice for it to at least be understood. – James Jun 23 '18 at 9:44
  • I wrote a post, if it interests you :) interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/3090/… – James Jun 23 '18 at 16:29

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