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The Question: Approach friends about getting un-invited last minute with terrible communication and rude behavior?

The Deleted Answer:

The Interpersonal Skill here is Setting Boundaries. Note though that you don't specifically need to express them.

It seems based on your description that while they're pals, they're not confidants*. Meaning if you mention this, they'll probably just blame the apt for being too small and you're just whining.

The boundaries you set are just meant to make sure you're not put out, left out or inconvenienced based on their actions.

How to set boundaries: If they're late, leave without them. Always have your own ride home. Meet them at the location/venue. Don't cover more than 5$/£/€ or whatever amount you can let go.

Basically, don't put yourself in a position where you are depending on them.

Making them your friends of convenience will at least balance the relationship.

For clarity, my position is that talking about this won't accomplish much if anything so don't bother. You won't change them but you can change the relationship.

*Anyone? ;)


I think this complies 100% complies with the Rules:

Aim to provide expertise, not an opinion: The expertise if from experience. Very few Answers lay any specific expert foundation because it's often just not necessary. Beginning every Answer with "I know how you feel" is technically complying, but almost always superfluous.

Try to avoid writing duplicate answers: I'm quite sure this was the first Answer.

Your answer should be about the interpersonal skills needed to solve the situation: I specifically call out the Interpersonal Skill, Setting Boundaries, then give examples of how to set boundaries. I even highlight this passage after a Comment.

Respect the request of the person asking the question and answer the actual question: OP specifically highlighted what they were looking for:

I want to address this behavior and clarifying it was definitly not okay.

Since this is specific on two parts, I took this as the primary question over the Subject question. I specifically answer both parts, "address this behavior" is the main points of the Answer. I chose to address the "clarifying" part as unnecessary and provided a specific reason.

I must point out that "address" does not necessarily mean talking. There are many way to address a situation that do not involve words.

Then what about those 'frame challenges': This Answer did not contain a Frame Challenge.

Take note of possible cultural differences: There were no significant cultural differences to consider.

Make clear which specifics of the question are affecting the answer you give: I suppose I could have referred to this:

But I just don't want to loose them as friends, because if things work out we always have a ton of fun.

As the reason to set personal boundaries and not confront them. But since OP made this point specifically, I didn't think it was necessary and would have been redundant.

  • @sphennings Sorry, no. I'm asking about this Answer specifically. As one of the Delete votes, I was hoping you could give some evidence or substantiated reasons. – Johns-305 Feb 6 at 15:13
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    I don't see a problem with voting to close this question as a duplicate, because none of the four previous meta discussions about deletion of your answers have gone anywhere. You've repeatedly rejected advice out of hand from the community and dismissed explanations of why the answers were deleted. If you want a more productive discussion, you might want to explain why this discussion won't go down the same rabbit hole as before. Otherwise, people are not going to be inclined to interact with you. – HDE 226868 Feb 6 at 15:35
  • @HDE226868 Sorry, no. This time I chose to specifically ask for substantiated reasons. I'd be happy to improve the Answer but without any commentary, that is not possible. Sadly, this is why I point out that the votes might not be related to the Answer itself. – Johns-305 Feb 6 at 15:36
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    Well . . . in each of your questions, you start with the assumption that you're right and everyone else is wrong ("100% valid answer", "wrongly deleted", etc.). That doesn't sound like you're really asking for feedback. A more neutral way to phrase it might be "Why was my answer deleted?", or even "In what ways can I improve my answer to get it undeleted?" Entering a meta discussion with the attitude that only your position is valid isn't a great way to go about things. So . . . I would suggest modifying the tone here a little bit. – HDE 226868 Feb 6 at 15:40
  • @HDE226868 Of course, who wouldn't assume they're right. And given that no one has ever presented a substantiated reason meaning they never refer to a specific rule or quote the offending passage, I have had no reason to believe the Answer is not 100% valid and the the Delete is unjustified. Sorry, that's just how this had always played out. Further, I even provide and actual example of how I will edit if a point is not clear. – Johns-305 Feb 6 at 15:43
  • @HDE226868 Btw, I just again proved that people don't read carefully enough. You can check the edit history for proof. But I did catch it on review so again, I am willing to edit for a justifiable reason. – Johns-305 Feb 6 at 15:49
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    The comment I left on your answer had 5 upvotes. That's 6 people giving you feedback, not just 1. – Rainbacon Feb 6 at 16:00
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I'll try one last time.

Saying 'the skill you're looking for is X and here's a list of stuff to do' isn't an answer.

You're making grocery shopping lists, and writing down recipes. 'You need a mixer. Add eggs, flour, milk, mix'. From Good Subjective, Bad Subjective:

Sharing an experience takes at least one paragraph; ideally several paragraphs. If I’m asking about how to bake cookies, don’t give me a list of grocery items: milk. butter. vanilla. eggs. There is virtually nothing I can learn from a short, static list of grocery items that make up a recipe. Instead, tell me what happened the last time you made cookies from that recipe! Share your detailed experiences, so that we all might learn from them.

Which brings us to your following quote:

Beginning every Answer with "I know how you feel" is technically complying, but almost always superfluous.

That's wrong. 'I know how you feel' is empathizing, but it isn't backing up your answer with experience. Backing up your answer with experience means explaining why and how setting boundaries, not necessarily communicating those boundaries, just doing it, worked for you and under what circumstances this worked for you. Our 'rules' as you like to call them, link to a post that gives an example of what writing from experience means. Aim to write that kind of answers.

This is one of those questions where there's a pretty clear goal, with some restrictions:

I want to address this behavior and clarifying it was definitly not okay. However, I don't want to rant about it, rather I'd just like to know why they acted that way and if they are capable of doing better in the future. Otherwise I'd cut contact with them, because that wasn't the first time something like that happened (although it was never that harsh before). This was the final nail in the coffin for me. But I just don't want to loose them as friends, because if things work out we always have a ton of fun.

Your answer does absolutely zero to explain what setting a boundary means (like Rainbacon asked in a comment), nor does it explain how those few actions you mention will result in a boundary being set, what this boundary will have for an effect, and how that kind of effect will meet the goal/restrictions qouted above.

That's also what it means to make clear which specifics of the answer affect the answer you're giving. Explain how If they're late, leave without them. Always have your own ride home. Meet them at the location/venue. Don't cover more than 5$/£/€ or whatever amount you can let go. will help OP make clear that what happened wasn't okay, how it will help OP gain insight into why their friends acted the way they did, how it will help them find out if their friends can do better in the future.

Answer the question asked, try not to be sidetracked by details of the question and most importantly: Explain how your proposed solution worked out for you under similar circumstances, and how the results match the goal/restrictions put forward in the question.

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    Well... +1 for the answer, the patience, and the time you saved me, as I was doing the same! Wait... No, -1 as it was already a very advanced draft :) just kidding... Some users need really a break in order to be able to chill out a little bit though, but it's as sad as relieving... Mixed emotions seems appropriate here... – OldPadawan Feb 6 at 21:33

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