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No reason was given for the deletion. How can it be improved?

There is a clear skill recommendation that I learned from being in this situation which I do make very clear.

https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/22628

The only other Answerer also only states he is in the same position without providing any additional backup. Help me understand the difference.

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8

Firstly,

No reason was given for the deletion.

is simply not true. You have a few comments on the post--the last from a moderator:

saying "I've been in someone else's shoes" is not enough to prove you have back up to support your claims, as it does not show how you've been in a similar situation yourself. Could you expand a bit on said experience?


But backup or no backup aside, to me it seems your answer is really all in this paragraph:

There is a communication skill you can develop (while working on the doing part ;). With practice, it's easy to make a long and engaging story out of just about anything. You're painting and over mix some colors...and...??? Well, you can probably turn that into a 20 minute saga, turning every step in cleanup, color selection, remixing into a near calamitous affair.

Just saying "there is a communication skill you can develop" isn't very useful. You don't even give some background on what this skill is (maybe by linking to even a wikipedia page, etc. where they can read more) or how they can practice/work on said skill!

TL;DR: Your answer boils down to "there is a [...] skill you can develop" without expanding on the skill or how OP can attain it. This is not a useful answer.

This answer can be improved by:

  1. Giving a more complete explanation of the "skill" you mention. Find a wikipedia page or some other kind of article. Heck, even a TV tropes page would be better than nothing!

  2. Talk about ways OP can work on this skill and--if possible--link to articles that mention these techniques.

  3. If you couldn't find articles about building the skill, then talk about how you worked on building the skill yourself. What did you try and how did it work? How do you find the best way to make conversation about nothing is?

  4. Explain why this skill is the solution for OP. Why will talking about nothing solve the problem they have in the relationship?

Note that the above directly address points form "How Do I Write a Good Answer?". Each point addresses the following:

Point 1: Your answer should be about the interpersonal skills needed to solve the situation.
Point 2: Provide expertise, not an opinion.
Point 3: Provide expertise, not an opinion.
Point 4: Make clear which specifics of the question are affecting the answer you give.

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  • Got it. But the mods still need to address why Wroker's backup is ok and mine isn't when we both say the same thing. It's really sad that superfluous citation blocks a helpful answer. They're basically saying OP can't make the connection between not talking enough and a suggestion on how to talk more. I will also point out that you're being very presumptuous in assessing OP. How do you know they don't know this? Anyway, I'll leave it deleted, not worth arguing over. – Johns-305 Aug 12 '19 at 15:22
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    @Johns-305 no, the mods do not. Answers are reviewed independently of one another. If you think it's lacking backup then flag it. – Em C Aug 12 '19 at 15:24
  • @Johns-305 if OP "know this" as you said, wouldn't they already be doing this? Like I mention at the end, you also don't explain why you think talking about nothing like this is the right answer. So even if they do know how to do this, you don't give them a reason to. – scohe001 Aug 12 '19 at 15:31
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    @Johns-305 It seems I misunderstood what you meant. I thought you were talking about how I insinuate that OP doesn't already know how to "talk about nothing" and so needs it explained. However, there's no need for the condescending tone. It's only serving to obscure your point and has no place on any Meta. I'll step away from this conversation now to try to give you some time and space, but please try to be more considerate in the future. We're all here dedicating our own free time to try to help you! – scohe001 Aug 12 '19 at 15:42
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One point that has not been mentioned yet. You were asked in a comment "How did it work out?". Your response was "I specifically avoided the outcome because...it didn't."

As a reader this indicates to me that, regardless of how similar your situation was to OP's boyfriend's position - you are not actually giving a "proven" way to solve problems similar to the OP's, which is the purpose of requiring backup in the first place.

The personal experience in a post needs to show why your proposed solution will work, not just "I once experienced this problem, and even though I didn't solve it, here's some speculative advice anyways". Instead, you need to explain why you think that skill would have helped your failed situation and provide backup for that.

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  • Because I didn't want to relate that boyfriend has probably already decided the relationship is over and OP has a tremendous uphill battle if he wants to save it. I was merely trying to address the situation of not talking enough. Sometimes it's best to not explain why we say things. If you think it's helpful to add this context, I will do so. – Johns-305 Aug 12 '19 at 15:28
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    It's quite presumptuous to say that the boyfriend has probably decided that the relationship is over. Doing so is unlikely to make your answer any better. – Rainbacon Aug 12 '19 at 15:33
  • @Johns-305 What I mean is that you ought to explain why you think that specifically learning to talk at length about mundane happenings will save it. Even if it didn't work in that relationship did that make you happier with other relationships? that sort of thing. – Em C Aug 12 '19 at 15:33
  • @Rainbacon It's not presumptuous because that's how I felt. – Johns-305 Aug 12 '19 at 15:51
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Since scohe001 already did a good job of explaining the issues with your answer, I will focus on your assertion that Wrokar's answer is no better than yours.

While it is true that Wrokar's answer does not explicity say "I was in this situation, I did X, and the result was Y", all of that information is still contained in their post, albeit in a less intuitive way. They mention having similar experiences

I've been in my own gay relationship for 5+ years, and we've had very similar experiences in the past. I am closer in personality to your boyfriend (looking to talk about personal life all the time), while my husband is similar to you (not very talkative, especially when there's nothing new to talk about).

They also mention that their solution to the problem has been to find a balance, which has required both to put in effort.

It has been a challenge for us to find a good balance on how much to talk and what to talk about, and has required effort on both of our parts.

Reading from an earlier paragraph we see an example of how to find that balance. The less vocal party makes an effort to find things to talk about while the more vocal party lowers their expectations of the amount of conversation.

Perhaps he can lower his expectations a bit when it comes to your conversations, and/or take the lead when it comes to conversations and be the one who does the bulk of the talking. Simultaneously, you could put in some additional effort to have more things to talk about. Maybe volunteer with an organization? Join a local book club? Take a class at a community center? Set up a weekly night out with a friend?

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