This is about the answer I made here. The suggested edit has been approved (see history here)

The comment says: Having the assigned gender doesn't add anything and is mildly offensive. Many trans consider themselves to have always been their gender.

I made the original comment ("about him") to specifically make sure one would not hurt the person. During the whole post, I only suggest to respect the person, and I call her, well.., her... or she. To me, it's completely clear the question is about a woman (let's call her "Alice"), OP is clear about that.

So, to keep respect going all the way up, it's much more than important to NOT mention anything about Alice before she transitioned. That's my advice to OP. Like saying: "you remember when we were playing football? You were the best QB I had ever seen!" Really?! Unless there was a mixed team where Women and Men could play together, it's not only [ awkward / clumsy ], but, IMHO, rude (stupid?).

To me, OP should not say anything about Alice, and stay neutral, so that she can bring things up, the way she wants. You listen, she decides. And don't bring on the table topics she doesn't want to talk about. That's the way respect works in my little world :)

"Many trans consider themselves to have always been their gender." => so, what's the point of not warning OP about a possible misstep? Talking about her not being her would definately be a big hurtful blunder IMO.

I wonder if I should have been more clear in my answer, or if I should do it now. I'm just thinking about deleting it. To be completely clear and honest, this approved edit makes me feel disavowed... And feel like, when saying be nice, you're answered you, idiot. I won't roll back what I think is close to being vandalism, because I don't want to hurt anyone (warning OP about the risk of mentioning assigned gender mildly offensive?! really?!) That was exactly the opposite view I wanted to convey.

In this case, shouldn't a comment be exactly what it's supposed to be, asking for clarification, be the first step?

I'll respect the decision our community will have on this case (keep edit / rollback / clarification / delete). I'm just asking your POV's. Thanks.

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    Just to say: I love how every single person here is just so awesome about just learning how to do this right! :) It's lovely to just see questions that ask, that learn, that just open a dialogue instead of demanding 'my way or the highway' for a change :D Nicely done :)
    – Tinkeringbell Mod
    Oct 22, 2019 at 7:58
  • Gosh! It's my way or the highway! One of my favourite! Can even tell you my personal version of this one! SFW, that's ok; but NSFSO for sure :D I've re-written the whole stuff to match the actual events, just can't share :)))
    – OldPadawan
    Oct 22, 2019 at 10:41
  • Swing and a miss. Nice that you're making an effort though. That probably could have been conveyed in the edit message, but no one's perfect.
    – apaul
    Oct 24, 2019 at 2:16
  • @apaul : well, not really a miss, rather a miscue :) had English be my native language, I would have been able to properly express my idea from the first draft, with no misunderstanding...
    – OldPadawan
    Oct 24, 2019 at 19:26

2 Answers 2


In my opinion, what you were trying to convey wasn't clear at all. In fact, without this meta clarification, I would have had no idea that you were trying to convey that.

However, I do think it's easily fixable by saying something like that:

Don't talk about her (or how she use to be called "he").

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    Yep... "So, to keep respect going all the way up, it's much more than important to NOT mention anything about Alice before she transitioned. That's my advice to OP" < Is a lot more detailed, and clearer. +1 :)
    – Tinkeringbell Mod
    Oct 22, 2019 at 7:56
  • OK, thanks to both of you. Am I right asking about "a comment would have been the best way to act?"
    – OldPadawan
    Oct 22, 2019 at 7:57
  • @Tinkeringbell and Aelis : I think one of you could maybe edit my answer (the way you think is better to convey the idea). If I wasn't clear enough 1st time... y'know... ;)
    – OldPadawan
    Oct 22, 2019 at 8:01
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    @OldPadawan Done :)
    – Ael
    Oct 22, 2019 at 8:03
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    @Oldpadawan Ehmm. In this case, I can also see how the person editing would think this doesn't really need clarification, just editing out (like the edit message says, having the 'he' there is mildly offensive). It's a bit of a conundrum: How likely is it that you meant what you said here? In this case, I can see how it was edited as I would also not have guessed it could mean something like you described here. In that case, asking for 'clarification' isn't really a thing, because you need clarification if you're not really sure (and in this case, there wasn't much room for 'not being sure').
    – Tinkeringbell Mod
    Oct 22, 2019 at 8:06
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    I think making the edit, and then you asking a meta about it explaining yourself better is the best possible way this could've gone :) Additionally, you can of course always try to contact editors directly (You can @ reply with comments to editors) or try chat if you're feeling that might solve a slight misunderstanding too :)
    – Tinkeringbell Mod
    Oct 22, 2019 at 8:08
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    you beat me to it! Nice AElis ;)
    – avazula
    Oct 22, 2019 at 8:08
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    please check my latest edit about this, and carry on the way you think is best, GTG ;)
    – OldPadawan
    Oct 22, 2019 at 8:11
  • @OldPadawan Seems really nice and good to me :)
    – Ael
    Oct 22, 2019 at 8:12
  • Nice edit, @OldPadawan!
    – Belle
    Oct 22, 2019 at 8:25

Let me clarify why I approved this edit.

It wasn't clear to me that you meant "it's much more than important to NOT mention anything about Alice before she transitioned" by the phrase "or him before". I thought you are mentioning what Alice was before the transition. Since it wasn't a nice thing to mention, I approved the removal of that phrase.

Since you and Ælis have already done a good job clarifying things, there isn't much left to handle.

As Tinkeringbell said, it's good to have an open discussion about it. Thank you.

  • 1
    No big deal :) was just wondering why it was suggested and later accepted. I really felt like it was a mistake, but prefered seeking clarification before.
    – OldPadawan
    Oct 22, 2019 at 9:59

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