This concerns: How to bring the subject of my date's transidentity, when I'm not supposed to know about it?

I commented on an answer, asking if there was an implication that you don't need to tell people that you are trans if you are dating them. Requesting clarification seems to be within the acceptable bounds of commenting. My comment was deleted. I also noticed an answer that essentially said "you're looking at this wrong: she lied to you" (or something to that effect). It was deleted fairly quickly. Are these ideas considered transphobic? I assume that's why they were deleted.


To set the stage, the Code of Conduct:

No bigotry.
We don’t tolerate any language likely to offend or alienate people based on race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion — and those are just a few examples. Use stated pronouns (when known). When in doubt, don't use language that might offend or alienate.

Your comment was:

When you say "there is no need for you to tell me" in your example prompt, are you implying that people don't have a right to know if the person they are dating is trans?

It was flagged as unfriendly or unkind. "Likely to offend or alienate people" leaves room for discretion; given the subject matter, and knowing that at least one person was offended, I decided to delete it.

And in part it seemed to me the answer for your question was already fairly self-evident, for instance the next sentence in the prompt is bold-and-italic, "That is your business", and the other paragraphs talking about not making Alice feel pressured to explain - so clearly this answer isn't suggesting OP is owed an answer from Alice.

Some feedback: "Are you implying that..." sounds kind of combative. This isn't usually how I hear people bring up points they're genuinely unsure about - often it's an indication of someone trying to start an argument. I'm not saying this is actually the case - what was apparent to me in the answer may not have been apparent to you - maybe adding more context before launching into the question would help. "You say X, does that mean Y? I'm not sure because Z / Just wondering for the general case / (some other reason you are asking)".

(As for the answer you mentioned, suggesting that being trans is "lying" is considered a transphobic idea, yes. But I would rather not discuss details about a different user's answer here.)

  • 6
    It just seems odd that there have now been a few answers which include the suggestion that people should be honest about whether they are trans with people they are dating, and they keep getting deleted. I don't mind people having the opinion that it's absolutely nobodies business, but some of us have the opinion that it is someone's business if they are dating someone, and that opinion keeps getting deleted. Mar 3 '20 at 17:01
  • 6
    The question isn't "what's your opinion about whether this is my business", though. The question is how to tell Alice what Bob said.
    – Em C
    Mar 3 '20 at 17:03
  • 5
    I agree with you. But a part of the interpersonal problem is the assumption that Alice either should or should not already know. I've seen answers inject (contrary to the actual question) the opinion that it isn't the business of Alice, but only the answers that provide the contrary opinion are getting deleted. Answers that say "it's not Alice's business" aren't getting deleted, even though that's not the direct question. Mar 3 '20 at 17:08
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    FWIW I just went through all the deleted answers on that question, and all of them are missing backup for their opinions, regardless of what those opinions are.
    – Em C
    Mar 3 '20 at 17:09
  • @EmC Normally answers that aren't considered to have backup are given the opportunity to have the author edit them and include backup.
    – DaveG
    Mar 3 '20 at 20:00
  • 6
    @DaveG Not really. There's no waiting period before casting delete votes, because if it gets deleted in review the author can still edit and then get it undeleted. Two answers there were deleted by regular delete votes from the community. Two were deleted after multiple rude flags from the community. And one (the one referenced in this post) I deleted as rude because I happened to be on the page when it was posted and didn't see a point in leaving R/A material up waiting for someone else to flag it.
    – Em C
    Mar 3 '20 at 20:44

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