No apologies and parting notes

Question

I just received a message from a moderator that my answer, which received 112 up-votes and 11 down-votes was deleted. That was my personal straw which broke the camel's neck.

How to establish boundaries with a roommate without confrontation?

I was here only for a few months and I received lots of up-votes for some answers and down-votes for other answers. I understand the up and down voting and this is what makes StackExchage interesting.

But I also had lots of comments and answers deleted. Mostly not because they were rude but because it seems I did not follow this rule or that rule or this and that guideline which was discussed somewhere on Meta.

I also wrote answers which were well received and then the question was changed considerably and then I was asked to change my answer to match the changing question. No, I won’t do that.

And then there is “be nice”. Yes, I agree we should be nice to each other. But it seems for some people stating clear facts is already not nice and can’t be allowed. What is wrong with telling the truth without putting a nice warm fluffy cover around it?

Personally I find all this annoying. This could be a wonderful site for interpersonal questions and answers but it seems some people want to make it into something which has little to do with real-world behavior and experience. That is the way these very active members want it and that’s it. That’s not the way I want it and this is why I will stay away from this site for the time being.

Maybe I will look again in a few months and maybe things will change.

I hope you enjoy this forum like it is and continue to delete everything which does not fit into your world view.

Answer 1

Although I did not really understand why the answer you gave got so many up votes, I can understand your frustration well.

I also think moderation is currently preventing this stack to work like it´s supposed to, by ruling over things that should be self/user moderated.

I think it is a loss for the site, because your post added another way to look at the problem, and - together with the other, more in line answers - provided a far greater depth for possible readers of the question on how to approach such problem. Especially since the most popular comment under your answer was a "caution, don´t do it"

On the other hand, I can´t really understand why you did not try to address some of the concerns brought to you in the comments (and acknowledged by you, there)

For example you wrote

I am sure the OP made already first steps. If her roommate would open her eyes she should see that the OP does not approves of this behavior. The roommate obviously ignored all the signs (I am sure there were at least some signs)

If your had used that as a preface in your answer, it could have been read in context by future readers and you´d have avoided that this answer be taken the wrong way. Not everybody reads in the comments and also, comments vanish very quickly around here sometimes.

I´d appreciate if you tried to get your answer in a state where it could be reopened, but I also understand if you take a break. Contributing here is a hobby, and hobbies should be fun!

Answer 2

As there's no real question here, but only some POV, pros and cons points, I'll just address some of these points, hopefully to challenge your claims.

But I also had lots of comments and answers deleted. Mostly not because they were rude but because it seems I did not follow this rule or that rule or this and that guideline...

Yes. This stack has Guidelines. Rules. Policies.

The Community makes these. The Community makes sure they're followed. The Community enforces them. With the help of moderators, of flags, of DV / VTC / VTD.

Roughly, the Community says to all of us:

Behave. Be Nice. Follow the rules. It's OUR way, or the highway...

There's no NAME CALLING here. Please. Period.

For any problem with someone, get in touch with SE staff. Privately.

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I also wrote answers [ ... ] and then the question was changed considerably and then I was asked to change my answer to match the changing question. No, I won't do that.

Yes. This stack has Guidelines. Rules. Policies. Did I already mentioned that? Maybe...

Anyway... This happens (again?) because people answer unclear questions. Too fast. We have a new feature on Main (formely called "comments") named suggest improvement. We should be using this more and more to ask for clarification, and suggest improvement. When it's done, answer. Otherwise, we end up dealing with the kind of situation that pisses you (but not only) off...

And then there is “be nice”. Yes, I agree we should be nice to each other. But it seems for some people stating clear facts is already not nice and can't be allowed. What is wrong with telling the truth without putting a nice warm fluffy cover around it?

It is not wrong if it answers OP I guess?...

Going back to your answer, the one that got deleted by community request, and not by a moderator's selfish decision, here's my 2 cents:

You offered an alternative solution, a complete U-turn, by ignoring the without confrontation part of the question. OK. Why not. But, IMO, by going that far in such a direct way, you forgot.. wait... This stack has Guidelines. Rules. Policies. Did I already mentioned that?

To be clear: I'm not telling you that your answer is bad. AT ALL.

What I think is that, when answering and offering another POV, we should frame this challenge into a ladder challenge™. What is a ladder challenge™? When the elder shows the Moon, the younger looks at the finger. So, my advice is: show them the steps.

-> How to establish boundaries with a roommate without confrontation?

• 1. you can be nice, and do X
• 2. you can be nice, and do Y
• 3. you can be a little less nice, and do Z
• 4. Because 1, 2 and 3 don't work, what about not being nice at all and do A / B / C ?

And explain each point. Back up your assertions with reasons and data. Enjoy the challenge of converting concern to conviction.

(only a guess here) What made some of the people here flag your answer was the fact that you went straight to point #4 without showing any step?

No matter what you choose, I'd like you say something that seems important to me:

This stack has Guidelines. Rules. Policies. Did I already mentioned that? If not, I should have done it before... :)

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EDIT - I have looked through all posts and comments about this Q/A. I truly believe that you went the wrong way, not that you were explicitely giving the wrong answer. To me (and seems like many within the Community), you gave your POV, but didn't answer the OP. In order to have your POV seen as the best solution, it has to -> explain why the requested approach isn't good and offer a new IPS solution with reasonable explanation as to why it's better (SpaGirl).

OP - So far, I haven’t raised this issue with her, but I am wondering what the best way is to make it clear that the way she currently behaves with her guests in our room often makes me uncomfortable.

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You - I think you should be confrontational if someone else sleeps in your bed without your permission. And you should be confrontational if people blatantly ignore you. Stop being nice! Tell them to behave.

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My understanding - I want to be nice... NO! This behavior deserves a nuclear war, and here's the red button, push it!

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from comments (emphasis mine)

• Given the roommate apparently was never made aware of any problem before, this sounds like a sure way to escalate to a level where OP and the roommate may not be able to continue together. OP specifically asked for a non-confrontational approach and as such this answer seems borderline off-topic. You are also not giving any backup to why you think this approach would work. Could you improve your answer to show that? – Daniel Mar 29 at 9:26

• By telling the OP not to avoid confrontation, you're challenging the frame of their question. A frame-challenge answer should explain why the requested approach isn't good and offer a new IPS solution with reasonable explanation as to why it's better. Could you add those explanations/references to your answer, as per the meta aims? – Spagirl Mar 29 at 10:11

• @Edgar: I genuinely think that, without further knowledge about the whole of the situation, your approach bears the potential to screw up the OP´s entire living arrangements. As such I find it is not very well balanced so this is just a suggestion for improvment. – Daniel Mar 29 at 12:47

• @Edgar Because IPS.SE is about Interpersonal Skills and seeks well sourced and supported answers, those are the parameters the community has set. Backed-up answers are better answers. By explaining why and how, as well as what, the recommended approach is, you better equip readers to know when and why they might use it. Answers should help people develop their own skills rather than just give an opinion. It’s that whole teach a man to fish thing, but this answer just throws the OP a sprat. – Spagirl Mar 29 at 12:49

• When challenging the fact that OP doesn't want to be confrontational, please offer some justification for advising that. There is absolutely nowhere mentioned that the roommate is unreasonable or doesn't care, so please address the first steps and don't assume this. – Tinkeringbell♦

Answer 3

Your answer wasn't deleted because it violated the be nice policy. A mod left a comment explaining why the answer was deleted and what was needed to edit the answer to qualify it for undeletion. They even explained the fastest route to get the answer undeleted once you've edited it.

You were informed March 29th via comments that there were problems with the answer. The same day people were recommending that the answer be deleted. You raised a question on meta asking why people had a problem with such a well received answer. Answers on the meta post explain that regardless of how well received a post is, we still expect it to follow site policy.

In this case site policy expects that you answer the question as it is written. Since the OP asked how to do a thing without confrontation we expect your answer to be about how to do the thing without confrontation. Your answer could have been fixed by adding a paragraph explaining how it is impossible to do the thing without confrontation, or arguing how confrontation is necessary in the circumstance.

Answer 4

The popularity of an answer does not necessarily indicate that the answer was appropriate. Specifically, in order for an answer to be appropriate for a stack, it needs to answer a question with regards to the purpose of the particular stack.

This stack is about interpersonal skills. While it can be somewhat gratifying to tell a rude person to go jump in a river, it is counter-productive to a stack that exists to teach skills, not conflict.

In addition, when a question hits HNQ, traffic to that question increases and you get up votes from people who are not regulars at a particular stack, nor are they necessarily interested beyond the particular question.

In short, an answer needs to be appropriate and helpful to remain.